Episode 03: “The Chaperone”

During the heyday of the “Attitude Era” in the ’90s, Triple H (Paul Levesque) made his bones chopping at his boner and inciting any and all people to suck it as part of anti-authority faction, D-Generation X. In family comedy The Chaperone, Triple H eschews crotch chops and salami jokes for family reconciliation, Bionic Woman-esque fight scenes, and screen time with a litany of, “Oh, I’ve seen that person somewhere before” actors including Modern Family’s Ariel Winter, Veronica Mars‘ Enrico Colantoni, and Lisa goddamn Simpson herself, Yeardley Smith. Was this movie as bad as the universally-reviled trailer would have you suggest? Tune in and find out!

Did You Know? “The Chaperone” is widely-regarded as one of WWE Studios’ biggest flops, budgeted at $3 million and taking in a disappointing $14,000, domestically. Nothing has been reported on the movie’s foreign gross.

Episode 02: “See No Evil”

On this episode of On This Very Screen, the gang takes on WWE’s first horror flick, See No Evil, starring the “big red masturbator,” himself, Kane! From rating the deaths of every Breakfast Club juvenile delinquent you can think of to debating proper shower hygiene in a dilapidated hotel, no stone is left unturned with this surprisingly entertaining entry into the catalog. MAY 19th!

Did You Know? The filming of this movie was one of the main reasons WWE on-screen character, Kane, was asked to remove his mask. Well, that and the whole, “Holy shit, I can’t fucking breathe” thing.

Episode 01: “The Marine”

The story of The Marine is essentially a story of not getting what you want… and then, not getting the thing you wanted after that. You see, the titular marine role was originally offered to “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, who parted ways with WWE in 2004 before production began. Soon after, the role was awarded to “The Viper,” Randy Orton, whose own personal experience with the US Marine Corps (a “bad conduct discharge,” specifically) made way for for budding superstar, John Cena, to take the role instead .

A similar story goes for the lead villain character of Rome, which was originally offered to Al Pacino, who refused due to the low salary. Ray Liotta was considered before Terminator 2’s Robert Patrick getting the role. Despite getting made in 2004, the film didn’t see the light of day until 2006, though thankfully, the military theme was still heavily resonant as the U.S. was still balls-deep in “The Iraq War 2: I Rock Harder.”

It’s a shame the movie what this movie could have been, when — in reality — it’s John Cena running around in the woods, trying to find his wife (Nip/Tuck’s Kelly Carlson). If only they’d just marketed that.

Did You Know? To film this movie in 2004, John Cena had to be written out of WWE storylines. The angle? His stabbing at a nightclub by the bodyguard of WWE superstar, Carlito. Charges have yet to be filed.

The Launch Post

OTVS - hires

Hey, there, cool kids on the ScreenTeam! Marc, here, and I just wanted to say thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the support at launch (LIKE and FOLLOW us, if you haven’t!) as we at OTVS have been working incredibly hard over the last two months to bring you a podcast unlike anything out there so far. But naturally, there are people who we wish to thank as we go forward with giving you a great product (that I promise will get even better):

Like the artwork on the site? F*ck yeah, so do we — so a big thank-you to Zip Alegria, our official OTVS artist and good friend I’ve had the pleasure of working with many times over the last 4-5 years.

Digging that original theme song? Well, credit goes to my brother from another mother, Laser Lip, a Bay Area-based music producer who’s done some awesome work in film as well as some of your favorite video games.

And of course, a huge amount of gratitude to our home away from home, ground zero for everything “On This Very Screen” related, Faultline Studios, and our maestro of an engineer, Yosh, for steering the ship.

Allons-y!